Monday, 31 March 2014

Fate and the Russian.

Yes. So well I I dunno the. London is. Quite a big city well what. Twelve millions of people or so. So I used to study at the college of Central London. And. He works at east of London. And once we met on. Tube. It was quite late like ten eleven o'clock so it was. Not busy. So that we were. On the same coach. So like me and him. I've been listening to some music and like watching some photos of my vacation from last year and he. Starts chipping in like. What, AH! I'm so, so happy but I'm like. I'm by myself right now. He starts speaking to me like, why you smiling like blahblahblahblahblah. So we had a. Very short chat like five minutes and then. We both. Left at the same stop. And never gave like each other phone or anything. And in about like. A week time or maybe. Five days. Completely different time completely different. Err line. Completely different. Train station I meet him again. Absolutely random. Person. But like second time in like. Whole year. And I'm like oh my god it's that guy. And I. And I forgot my phone. In my cab. So I'm like really bored and I'm like. Shall I speak to him. Maybe. It would be like. Some company. So since. Since that time we're together like three years. And we have a son. He's seven months old. I think they. Somebody gave us just like second chance. 'Cause I don't think. I was about to move from there place just in like about week time so if I didn't meet him that time. I would not have probably meet him again ever.   

Thursday, 27 March 2014


Dinosaur story. I wanna say the dinosaur story. He lives in America. Ornithomimus. Ornithomimus.
They run really fast. Yes. I've seen one. Yes. On the dinosaur train. On the DVD. They're good. Yes.

The dinosaurs go on a train. Uhm. They sit down. Yes. Then. They get off. Ummm. They go to the dinosaur world. And then they go home. I'm going swimming now. I can swim a dinosaur. I can swim faster than a dinosaur. 

Tuesday, 25 March 2014

Dale, in Kent.

So err. I own a house I own a flat in. Hackney and I recently decided to sell it. Err. It's worth a lot of money which is quite a surprise to me. And I err. So I was selling the flat. Partly because I can't afford to renew the lease because that costs a lot of money. So err. Just thinking. I don't know I was looking through Zoopla. And I just remembered this place Deal in Kent where I used to go. With my partner. Before he died te-. Ten years ago. And I just started looking on Zoopla and I thought. Ah. Yes that's what I want I want a flat in Deal. I've got a friend I stay with here so I won't be moving-moving to Deal immediately. But so I went down on Sunday which was a brilliant sunny day. We sat on the beach. In t-shirts. And err. I wandered about and I saw this flat from the outside. And I went. The next morning I rang the estate agent and I went down on Wednesday. Made them an offer. In fact I'll tell you this little bit 'cause I made an offer for a hundred and fifty thousand. The asking price was a hundred and fifty-five thousand. And then the next morning I was swimming 'cause I swim at Crystal Palace most mornings and I had this feeling that I was being a bit mean. And I should meet the asking price so I rang the estate agent back and do you know what I think I just want to make the offer to a hundred and fifty-five thousand not. You know knock off five grand you know felt a bit stingy. So. I think they were a bit surprised to say the least. 'Cause it wasn't as if anyone was bidding against me. And. And then erm. This morning. They. Rang. Me. And. Said well your offer's been accepted. So I just got it this morning. And now I'm just off to the solicitors. In Islington. With a load of paperwork. In my bag. In my. Very natty briefcase. Which I'll just say is erm actually. What is it? Called? It's a. It's a. It's a carrier bag that's not plastic isn't it. It's a cloth carrier bag that's the one. 

Monday, 24 March 2014

Armed Robbery.

Ah-heh Ah-huh. Huh. This is very difficult actually when you, you know it's very strange erm. Well let's say there's a, there's a friend of mine who was er. A little bit down on his luck a good few years ago and needed to make some money in a. In a hurry and. Came up with a. Rather foolish scheme with another friend whereby they. Ended up. In fact committing an armed robbery. Anyway they go into they go running in. To the place they're gonna rob. Pulling down balaclavas as they go. Shotgun sawn off shotgun. But unfortunately this uhm. This friend. Pulled his balaclava down the wrong way 'round. So. Instead of running in there. Menacing. Various with the. Sawn off shotgun. Ran smack into a wall. Dropped the gun on the floor. By this time everybody in there was pissing themselves laughing. And er. We. We. Well he. He. Had to walk out in. Great shame. Never. Never did a. Another. Armed robbery since.  

Thursday, 13 March 2014

Supermarine Spitfires.

Ok. Well it's my father's story really. Uhm. He was a. Very kind generous man. Lived his life in a very. Uh. Gentle fashion uh. Everything. In our house was maintained everything was safe that was paramount. And. His story is that uhm. Very sad story which he only told me when I was about fifty and lived with it for a very long time and it was during. National service. And he was an aeroplane err. Fitter. Working on. Supermarine Spitfires. And erm. As I told you he was a very conscientious person. Er. And. One evening. A plane landed. And he started his checking. Of this. Plane. And. He. Had to check that all the hatches were shut and. Everything. Was. In order so that the plane could take off. Uhm. But. It was really very late. And. His Superior said to him. Look you can't finish that now. Tick. Tick here. That you've done it. And come back first thing tomorrow morning. So my father was reluctant but he was young. And he was told to do it so he did that. But the next morning when he was going down to do that. He. Fell. With a cup of. I think it was a cup of tea. And he. Badly gashed his hand and had to go to I think the nearest hospital. And when he came back the plane had taken off. And then. That plane. Crashed. Crashed. Yeah. Yeah. It crashed. And. Uhm. My father said he suffered terrible. Terrible time. Regret err. You know. Real feelings of despair. Uh. When eventually they did an enquiry into the. Crash they found that. When it had been in Malta. Uhm. A fitter. Hadn't. Hadn't fitted a. What's it called again? An aero. Aerola. Aerolon. Hadn't put the pin in correctly. Put it in upside down. So it fell out while the. So that was the reason for the crash. But. My father. My father was devastated by that really. 

Tuesday, 11 March 2014


It's a bit of an adventure kind of thing. uh.
Well basically we were working in Germany myself and a, and a bunch of friends uuuh in summer and uh.
We uuuuh we were just loading trucks like really early in the morning.
And so you know sort of typically you know summer testosterone sort of stuff there's a.
A really really fast river that runs through.
Middle of.
Of the.
Through the.
And it's like err it's all sort of built up to the. To the sides. The walls are err quite err quite high. So err.
It was basically a dare one of. One of err. My friends just sort of said hey let's jump in the river. Now as soon as you're in there.
You. You just fly. Down.
You know.
Really really fast.
And the thing is.
You know.
Lots of idiot tourists do this all the time.
So. They've put chains across.
The water.
Err under every bridge.
So every footbridge that goes across this river it's got chains on it
and of course for us.
That was just great fun to just.
Grab onto a chain and then the
pressure of the water is so strong that
pushes you up and you're.
You're horizontal on the water you know?
And just flopping about err
holding on for your dear life onto this chain
and so.
You know
Three or four.
Bridges later
You get to one bridge.
You can't actually see the other side of it
it's just.
A dark tunnel.
When I got to that particular.
I hit the chain like right in the middle course the other guys knew.
What to do they.
They knew it was coming.
I didn't know it was coming.
So I hit the.
I was right in the middle of the river I hit the chain.
I had to like.
Pull myself up like
li- literally scraping.
Myself kind of
off this chain like.
So I was covered in blood by the time I got out.
But this other friend he err.
He err.
He basically ah.
The second last bridge.
Held onto the chain.
Went horizontal.
And err.
He was like wahay this is fantastic this bri- you know amazing brilliant and everything.
And then his boxer shorts just went flying.
So he's a pretty good he was a really strong swimmer so he. Swimming after it. But he.
He then he just got to the.
The tunnel bridge and. He just sees his boxer shorts disappear.
And his.
Just that moment of.
You know.
Split second decision you know when he ah.
Sort of thought.
Will I won't I.
What am I gonna do.
And he just went for it he went down the tunnel.
You know we all thought.
That was it.
He was dead you know we. We just thought.
That things going underground, that's not.
That's not. The tunnel that's just.
Underground. The water channel.
Turns out.
He emerges.
Not in the park.
But in.
Completely naked.
And er.
And has to sort of streak back home basically. Hiding. Hiding behind cars and err.
And he got into the newspapers and.

We've never let him live it down so. 

Friday, 7 March 2014


I had my very own ghost. It was my Aunt and she died when she was eighteen. She. Was laid out in the coffin. And any time anybody went to see her. There was uh. A mark on the wall where the coffin lid was put up against it. And I was named after her. And. One day I went to see a friend's house. And. And I remember feeling very cold there all evening. And then when I went home I phoned my mother and I said to her. That I'd been to this house but she said. You've been connected to that house for many years Mary because. That's where your aunt. Mary Winifred. After whom you were named. Lived and died. And she haunts the house. And the house is in Hastings. And she still haunts it. Yes. No, she doesn't haunt anywhere else just a house in Hastings. And when I came to. Um. Empty my mother's house when she had to leave it. I found a newspaper. And it fell open on the bed. Where I was. Err. Looking at it. And it fell open to an in memoriam. And it was to my aunt. Mary Winifred. And I had been in the house where she lived and died. Fifty years later to the day she died. And that's why I was so cold. And that's it.  

Thursday, 6 March 2014


The story goes as the following you we we wanted to name him Nando in the first place because we really like that name and. It's the short version of Fernando. But then we figured oh we we'd better we found out that there's actually a place called Nando's. In. England. And. South America and we. Thought it to be a. Fast food. Place. Which it's not totally I- I- I saw one in Oxford and it's like steak and stuff. But we thought we thought okay we can't. Possibly. Call our kid like a food chain like McDonalds or something. He goes to South America and everybody would go like oh yeah like the chain. And a friend of ours said well then just call him Anando put an A in front of it. Changed the name completely but you can do whatever you like. And then I said okay that sounds nice but I want to know and I. Checked the internet and Anando is. Sanskit, old Sankrit. Means “Blessed”. Or. Blessed state. Or. Bliss and uhm it's for example uhm. All those names Nantyananda Ugananda a- it's all Ananda. And in. Sanskrit it doesn't make a difference if it's A or O so of course. We're in Europe so it's Anando. And even the cousin of Buddham was called Anando so.   

Tuesday, 4 March 2014

Found (sad)

Note, written on the back of a shopping list, found on a walk in the park.

Can you please try to shower my gran in case she wants to go to the funeral. Thanks.

I try but she refuse.

Hayley Maria Theodora Di Bonito.

Hayley Maria Theodora. Theodora because it is a gift from God. And Hayley because it was her birth. Mum's choice and I. You know in order to uhm. Out of respect I kept it. And she's been adopted. And err. It's a very kind of err. Moving story. because. She erm. Was born prematurely. And erm. She was just two and a half kilos. And she had to be err resuscitated twice. And the third time I had to do it because she was already with me I started. Fostering her when she was six weeks old. And errm. but when I laid my eyes on her, I went to the hospital to see her for the first time, I just knew it was, was mine. And erm. I decided to adopt and adoption went through erm in June. So I've been legally err. Her mum. since. And she is. Just. A privilege. Absolutely a privilege to erm. To look after her. Absolute- she is a star. She's a survivor she's. Grateful to be alive. She is. Erm. Very content, very happy erm. What else can I say she's. She came to, a, a, already a family with two other kids I've got two teenagers. A dog, four cats. And yes. She absolutely, mmm. I don’t know I just feel as if. You know God works and it is God working in very mysterious ways and it's like. I can't have children any more. And err. I. You know, err, kind of err. She had to come through somebody else I think. That's, that's all but erm. And. Hayley has. A very. Mmm. Bubbly err. Personality. She has this kind of. Light around her that wherever she goes. She really enchants people.